I want to start by saying that last night, January 26, 2016 at 9:05 pm, my mother passed away. I am so hurt and at a lost. I'll get in to specifics later in the journal.
Rest well, Mother. I will always love you.
Again, 2016 is definitely the worst year and it's only the beginning. As you all probably know, I was attending college in Tennessee while my family is stationed in Utah. (We're military) I come back every year for Christmas after the semester ends and we are allowed to leave. Christmas was fun and everything was great. I had a very nice Christmas with my family. I'm pretty sure I gained a whole bunch of weight from my mother's delicious cooking.
As New Year's started rolling around, my dad seemed to get more annoyed with everything. "Why do I have to do everything around this house?" Blah blah, these kids are lazy, whatever whatever. He's always pissed that "we don't do anything around the house". Now, don't get me wrong. I really love my dad. I told him to his face that he was a caring person. He cares in such and angry way though so It always seems like I'm in trouble and getting yelled at but he just wants to help and I understand that even though it's a pain for me.
Anyway, I'm sure he was just acting like an ass because his back was hurting. He had a lose vertebrae that had to be surgically fused together with metal rods into his back. He was in the hospital for a couple days and then he got to come home. The doctors said that he had to lay down in bed for a few months so tat his back would heal properly. He has a brace that helps him walk around.
Since he's been home and I've been at the house, I have to help him do things, like bend down to grab things because he's physically unable. It's getting close for me to start packing my suitcase. Then a few days before, my dad calls me in and says that I haven't been dong well in school (I get C's sometimes, yeah. guilty) and that the money I'm using for school needs to go to my brother and I can go into the military to get my own military money for school. My brother can't because he has asthma and the air force won't take him in. I was devastated and heartbroken. I tried everything I could so that I could at least stay one last semester before I did this. My dad gave me the choice to stay the semester and "screw my brother over" as he said it. And then had the nerve to tell me that it was my choice after getting guilt tripped. I cried all night as I thought about this. I was leaving my friends and my schooling and everything else to jump into the unknown.
I chose to give my ungrateful brother the money. He doesn't understand what I've done for him. I packed a small bag and flew back to Tennessee to pack up my dorm. I spent the night with Jazzby44
and then we were going to head up to Tech the next day. My mom ended up showing up and she used a rental car to come and pick me up. Me rode up to Tech and got everything handled school wise. My best friend Teylohr
was holding my car for me while I was in Utah. So I was hanging out with mom. I showed her around Tech. "This is where my friends and I did..." and stuff like that. I had completely forgotten that I still had my room key and convinced myself that an RA could let me into my room. CobaltRain22
was already back into the room but by the time I got there, she was nowhere to be found. So mom and I had a good ol' time going to Walmart and buying things we need. We even went to the nail salon so she could get her nails done. She loved to do that. I normally don't but I do like to sit in there and talk to her while shes getting them done. As that was happening, I was texting my boyfriend, ThatYoungGuy
He was unable to come up to Tech at the time I was going to be there. I was so sad that I wouldn't be able to see him before I left. Them my mom came up with the idea of us meeting halfway to see each other. Oh my god, what a smart woman she was because that was a beautiful plan! My boyfriend for the halfway point and I relayed it to mom and we were all ready to go.
I can't thank my mother enough for driving me up there. I really, REALLY appreciate er doing that for me. Had it been my dad, he would've never taken me, which is what mom had also said. She said to me in the car, "Things work out the way they are supposed to. Your dad had his back surgery and couldn't drive you and I could!" And the rest of the way, we used a bluetooth speaker to play music from her phone because she always hated the radio.
I met up with my boyfriend at a Mcdonalds. Mom fell asleep in the car because she was tired from traveling. It was a good little goodbye meeting and I am forever grateful to my mother for doing that for me. And no, we didn't break up. I'm all for long distance relationships. I've seen that they can work and I also refuse to let him go. It took me 19 years to find a guy I actually liked enough to date, so I'm not letting him go and he's already told me, he's sticking with me.
Mom wanted to get some Captain D's because she hadn't been there for a long time since we moved and there wasn't one in Germany or Utah, which were the places we lived after we moved from Tennessee. We got some fish and she ended up getting a free box of fish because they made too much. I ate her hush puppies. After that, we headed back to Tech and I spent the night in my room with my sister, CobaltRain22
and mom went to the hotel that dad set up for her.
Sissy and I ended up staying up until 4 am playing League of Legends. What a bunch of nerds we are. But it was a lot of fun! The next day was January 16th, which was my birthday! I was planning to get up early so I could pack but I was tired from all the League-ing. SNOOZE. Then I finally got up. Sissy made me this AMAZING German Chocolate Cake. Oh my god, it was so good. I ate half of it before I realized I needed to put the fork down. She also gave me an adorable Eevee blanket to add to my precious collection of blankets. She and her boyfriend Teylohr
said they both have other gifts coming and I am SO CURIOUS! UUGH.
Anyway, I packed my shit up and my room looked empty. I played Dance Dance Revolution with Sissy until Trey came with the car. We packed up my car and it was time to say our goodbyes. I left and met mom at the rental car place and we drove down to Jacksboro, where we stayed for the night. Mom took me to Perkins for a dinner for my birthday. It was actually pancakes because I freaking LOVE pancakes and then we had pie after. After that, we went to the hotel to take showers and stuff. And mom gave me my birthday gift. She got me this lovely, blue pencil charm. I love it. I love it so much.
The next day, we were on our way again at 6 am, cruising down the rode. We stopped again at a Super 8 hotel. Mom called it SUPER OCHO! And I laughed. She always said silly things that made me laugh. We took showers and things. I cried a little bit while I was there and mom comforted me and then we fell asleep. It had to have been like 11:45 when I feel mom tapping me. "Monee! Are you sleep! Do you hear that?" I was knocked out. "Huh, what? Hear what?" And then I hear it
CLINK CLINK RRRRRUURRRRRAAAAHHHHHHH CLINK CLINK
The loud ass fucking heater was making SO MUCH noise! It was impossible for anyone to even go back to sleep! Mom said, "I woke up because I thought someone called my name!" xD And she called the maintenance guy to our room. He turned it off and it was silent for a long time. and then...
RRRAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH CLINK CLINK BITCHES, I'M STILL HERE!
And then it would go silent again for a second. and then
The fucking fridge joined in like HEAR THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE!
In the end, we didn't get much sleep that night. And we laughed about it for a long time. On the third night, we stayed with my Mom's Aunt. Mom was explaining the situation for why we were leaving Tennessee and I just burst into tears right there at the table in front of everyone. My Aunt took me upstairs and I cried myself to sleep and napped for a little bit. When I woke up, my aunt was making dinner and more family had shown up. Luckily, I didn't have to talk much and just stayed next to mom while everyone talked around me.
We got back home to my bro, dad and dog and everyone was happy to see us. Mom and I talked about the trip and hung out and everything was good until this past Monday.
I had woken mom up early in the morning because she said she wanted to do Shaun T workouts with me before she went to work and then afterward, my fat ass would run around the neighborhood with my dog, because I need it and I'm out of shape.
I was chilling and talking with dad and then when my bro came home from school, he went with me to run a couple errands. As we were leaving the base, I said "Hey, wanna go see mom?" Because sometimes we visit her at work. And then we did. We waited until she was done talking to someone in her office and when she was done, we went in and said hi. She was surprised to see us and we talked a little bit before we left.
She said she'd help me restraighten my hair and she'd be home at 5:30. It was about 5pm when we went in. "Okay! See ya, Mom!" And I never ever thought that that would be the last thing I said to her.
My bro and I left to go to Walmart to pick up some things and we get a call from dad telling us to go back to the base because something happened with mom. Then we run out to the car and we see and ambulance to flying down the street heading toward the base where she worked. We followed it and got to mom's job where there were firetrucks and police cars all over. We rushed in and the paramedics were carrying her to the ambulance. She was unresponsive. We got to the hospital and met up with a couple of Mom's coworkers and we waited and waited.
Soon we found out that Mom had a stroke and she was in critical condition. I had to go pick up my dad so that he could see mom too. The doctor finally came out and said that the stroke had been fatal and mom was still unresponsive and her brain wasn't functioning. She was practically brain dead. her body was on life support because her brain couldn't function to keep it alive on it's own. I've never cried so hard in my life. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment. They moved her to a private room and a stood by her bed side and held onto her hand and cried and cried and cried, for hours I cried and just stared at her face. I could barely feel people come up to me and try to hug me and rub my back. They kept asking me if I needed anything. I couldn't talk, or even look at them. I could onto shake my head and start to cry more.
I stood there for hours, just holding Mom's hand and looking at her. I wished so hard that she would come back, that some miracle would bring her back to life. I didn't want anyone taking her from me, I wouldn't let anyone have her hand. What was I supposed to do without my mother!
They lowered the bed and I finally accepted a chair and sat in it in such an awkward position that made my body ache so that I could still hold her hand and lay my head on her lap. I sat like that all through the night. I tried to rest but I kept opening my eyes to every footstep I hear outside the door, every beep I heard from the heart rate machine. And I waited, I waited and wished and prayed to any God that would bring my mother back. I never moved. My dad constantly asked me of I wanted to come sit with him. I only shook my head no. It was so hard. I didn't want to ever leave her side.
I only moved when the nurses had to run tests and they needed me out of they way. I only moved far enough to go and sit in bed they provided for my dad so he could still lay down from his back surgery. I couldn't eat. My dad tried to make me eat something that people had brought in. I took a small bite and nearly threw that up. And later in the day, mom's mother and all her siblings showed up to see her - and many people through the day-
The doctors explained that mom had high blood pressure that went to the back of her brain and there was enough of it there to shift her brain a little bit and cause a stroke that was fatal enough to take her brain activity with it. There's a word for this type of stroke, but I can't think of it right now.
They needed to perform one more test to see of mom could breathe on her own without the life support machine. She was unable to and at 9:05 pm, January 26, 2016, my mother was declared dead.
And when I was finally able to say my final goodbye and hug my mother, we went home. And I cried and cried and cried until a drained myself enough to fall asleep.
And as I bring this to a close, I want to all to go and tell your parents that you love them and appreciate everything that they've done for you. They may get on your nerves and annoy you but they love you too. And you never know when you might just loose them.
I love you, mother! Rest well! I hope that heaven knows that they have just received the finest angel they have ever had. Goodbye, Mother! I'll always keep you in my mind and in my heart. I love you.